TDNCY

I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but I’ve been reading Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight books off and on.  Now, this is ok, because I counteract this ridiculously feminine act by doing things that are EXTRA manly, like drinking bad beer, or lifting weights or making crude comments about females.  This is how I justify reading these books.

Besides the writing being deplorable [I mean, it's REALLY, REALLY bad.  Think Goosebumps meets a third grader's romance novel.  And I'm probably not being fair to Goosebumps.  Apologies, R.L Stine.], the themes and characters in book offer NOTHING in terms of quality lessons to the youth of the world. Bella, our mopey, melodramatic protagonist does NOTHING but sit around and complain about being a teenager and how she can’t do anything without the man in her life, a vampire named Edward [whose actions probably constitute "stalking" in 45 states].  Forget the fact that she knows nothing about him [but OMG HE GLITTERZ!!!].  No, she loves him a lot passionately irrevocably [Cool! Stephanie Meyer found the "thesaurus" key in Word!]  So she sits around and waits for him to save the day.  ALL THE TIME.  This is a girl that almost dies WALKING DOWN HER ICY DRIVEWAY.  Don’t worry, young girls and leaders of tomorrow!  Whenever you find yourself in harm’s way, just sit around and complain!  No doubt, some glittery undead hunk will come save you!

Bella probably set the women’s movement back 50 years with her pathetic actions.  Great job, you daft bitch.  I will punch you in the face if you ever come out of that book and become real.  You SUCK, in every essence of the word.

But this got me thinking.  What other lessons has pop culture tried to teach us that are just plain WRONG?  That the movie totally missed on?

1. “Shrek” – This is the obvious choice to me when I first started thinking about this. Why?  Because Fiona is a babe.  I mean, come on.  Check her out. THIS CHICK ROCKS.  And yet, at the end of the movie, she chooses to end up an ogre.  AN OGRE!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? This bugs the hell out of me.  It is basically telling a young, impressionable group of children that it is not just ok, but A GOOD CHOICE, to be ugly.  If there is one thing I have  learned in my 27 years of life, it is that IT IS NOT OK TO BE UGLY.  EVER.  I shudder when I think of all the cute little kids that are bashing their heads into cement so that they can choose to be ugly like Fiona.  Don’t do it, little kids!  Stay cute!  “Shrek” really missed this one.  The obvious ending was to have Fiona say “Shrek, we can be BFF. And little king man, leave me alone. I’m going to go find a Mark-like fictional cartoon character to be with.”  Everyone wins in this case and it teaches kids that you can be totally hot and end up with a good single guy like me, not an ugly ogre who lives in a God-forsaken swamp with an annoying talking donkey as a best friend.

2. “The Lion King” – Timon and Pumbaa have it right.  When life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade.  And if life gives you a big pile of coal, just bail dude.  HAKUNA MATATA, yo!  No worries!  Simba runs away to live the life! He lives in a beautiful jungle and lays around doing nothing.  He’s on a permanent vacation!  It’s the best! As Joel Hahn would tell you, “JUST LIVING THE DREAM, SON!”  And yet, some dumb baboon comes and convinces him he has to come back, risk his life and try to save his old home.  Well, I call bull.  If life gets difficult, you should run away and never return.  Scar gave GREAT advice!  And Simba followed it!  And Timon and Pumbaa furthered Simba’s emotional development…only to have it crushed by some ridiculous, misplaced sense of destiny thanks to some babbling baboon who is a freakin’ lunatic.  Destiny doesn’t exist.  Hedonism does.  Slack off and love it should have been the message here.  Instead, you have all these impressionable youth thinking it is ok to risk your life for something that has no direct influence on you anymore.  Disney really dropped the ball on this one.  All hail, Timon and Pumbaa!  Two characters Disney actually got right.

3. “Mulan” – So what exactly is the lesson here?  That it is ok to cross-dress and deceive people?  Not at all!  Can you imagine all of the poor little Chinese girls growing up thinking they can hang with the entire Hun army?!  YOU CAN’T, KIDS!  If you think you can individually take down an entire swarm of pissed off, angry Huns by simply dressing up like a boy and running the other way when everyone is retreating you will end up dead, NOT a hero!  What kind of role model is Mulan?  She lies, deceives, betrays her family and makes embarrassingly awful decisions.  But that’s ok, so long as you can have some stone-turned-real dragon that sounds like that annoying donkey from “Shrek” to help your lucky ass out.  And you think after all that, your superior is going to want to marry you?  He’ll be so embarrassed about everything he would probably just honor kill himself.  NOTHING IN THIS MOVIE WILL HAPPEN IF YOU TRY TO DO THESE THINGS.  Disney drops the ball again.  Bah!

This dude was one HELL of a lucky cricket.  I’ll tell you that much.

4. “Avatar” – So all I got out of this movie was that it is cool to be a furry.  Was that your message, James Cameron?  That it is ok to be a furry?  BECAUSE IT IS NEVER OK TO BE A FURRY.  What’s next?  Are we going to have some epic about a human straight up marrying a cat?  Who cares, as long as there are some explosives with a great score in the background.  Oh!  And make it in 3D.  And make some cool creatures that spin around in circles and create a beautiful glow.  By the end of the movie, people will completely forget that the main point of your billion dollar movie is that being a furry is really cool.  I look forward to reading about all of the impressionable youth who try to marry their dog in the next decade.

5. “High School Musical” – Oh, you poor kids in elementary school who think that high school is girls that look like Vanessa Hudgens, boys that look like Zac Efron and everyone sings in the hallway together.  How disappointed you will be when you finally get there.  I can’t wait until some freshman breaks into a musical number on his first day of high school.  Your ass is getting shoved in a locker, kid.  Maybe just a swirlee if you’re lucky.  But either way, you’re getting pounded.

All high school kids look like this!  And they all jump in unison all the time!  Yeah, high school, yeah!

Discuss amongst yourselves…more later this week…

So it’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything here and I thought today would be as good a day as any.

Today:
I bought a car
Mowed my Lawn…Picked up the clippings.
Felt a slight but undeniable pang of jealousy while looking at my neighbour’s lawn.
Renegotiated my salary.
Told a local kid he needs to wear a helmet.
Complained about the “Damn Democrats fiscal irresponsibility”
Secretly hoped that kid would fall of his bike because he’s a punk and once asked me “where [my] little Honda was at”
Got a paycut – or a furlough as they are calling it.
Complained even more about THE GOD DAMN DEMOCRATS
Renegotiated salary -again.
Decided my boss was even cooler because he too likes to complain about the GDDP and told me the furlough would not affect any of us because it’s “retarded”
Got ready for tomorrow night’s trip to the next town over to see “Seasame Street Presents: Elmo Grows up”
Checked my portfolio…Lamented the fact that it’s not “Good. To really good”
Added to our 529
Questioned my home warranty company’s competence over the phone b/c my sink has not been fixed.
Fixed it myself.

I think it’s safe to say I’m an adult. Maybe it’s time to go pwn some noobs!!1!eleven!!

I wonder if anybody still plays counterstrike…

I was waiting for my pickup at the Tampa Int’l Airport on Sunday following an academic conference when I realized that there are really a lot of smart people in the world. But, while I waited longer and longer at the airport, I realized, there are some situations that have a tendency to subtract 100 IQ points from these masses of smart people.
Here is a short list of things that I’ve realized that make Smart People Stupid.

#1) Baggage Claim – My bag is on a circular conveyor belt. If I miss it, I HAVE to trample 4 children, 2 grandparents, 3 dogs, and a professional boxer to grab it. MY BAG WILL NOT COME  BACK AROUND. What you don’t know is that there is an incinerator at the end of the conveyor and if you don’t grab your bag at first pass, it will be burned. Evidently smart people know this and act accordingly.

#2) Connecting a computer to an external display – Any kind of display: an LCD, a bigger monitor, etc. I’ve seen more people screw this up before, during, and after very academic presentations than I can count on 10 hands.

#3) Parallel parking – There is absolutely no reason why a smart person should not be able to parallel park. It’s very simple geometry. You put the rear end in, you follow with the front. Really, it’s just that easy.  Actually, I think I could say this about any part of driving.  Smart people suck at driving.

#4) Queuing to Board an Airplane and Deplaning – Okay smart people… you fly a lot.  People need you in places other than where you live. They need you because you’re smart.  Just so you know, for future reference, There’s a seat # on your boarding pass.  This is in reference to where you’re going to sit on the plane.  The nice lady is going to tell you what rows are boarding when over the loudspeaker. All you have to do is match that # to the range of numbers that she reads off.  Really simple. See!  Oh, and when it comes to getting off the plane, don’t be an asshole and try to run ahead of everyone else.  The door is closed. You’re not going ANYWHERE.

#5) Common Sense – Smart people suck at common sense.  I believe that this is where the term irony originated.  I can ask Professor Smith how to find the limit of the space time continuum and the true arithmetic center of a blackhole, but can this man change his oil? How about build a home? Yea, probably not.  The world needs ditch diggers too.

#6) Saving money/finanaces – There are more MDs with crappy credit than any other group of people I’ve ever seen.  Why does being smart make you fiscally irresponsible? Is it becuase you understand what you’re missing and spend irresponsibly? I don’t get it.  Crappy credit, it’s not just for dumb people anymore.

I’m sure there’s a lot of them here that I’m missing and I’ll add more as I think of them.

Lately at work I’ve been a bit, well, over-worked. After working 3 jobs through graduate school, obtaining a doctorate from Purdue University, passing my boards, applying for credentialing, and moving to Florida from Indiana away from my entire family, friends, and life as I knew it, I never thought I’d have more difficulty in my life. Welp, I was sorely mistaken.
Here are five things that instantly make my day better:
1) Cute girls. In general, but the Panera/Starbucks smiling faces usually instantly make my day better.
2) Dunkin’ Donuts coffee - really. This place is amazing and can make any garden variety, crappy day much more tolerable.
3) A lack of idiots/old people blocking my way to work – I don’t know what it is, but sometimes, I find every dumbass in the world and they’ve managed to find the 3 roads that I take to work and block my 9 mile, 20 minute commute and turn it into a den of road rage. I believe that my steering wheel has my finger shape permanently molded into it. When this doesn’t happen, I’m instantly in for a better day.
4) Hearing the song that I’m into at the time on my way to work, rolling down the windows, blaring the stereo and singing it at the top of my lungs. This guarantees a better day.
5) Talking to a friend that I haven’t heard from in awhile, out of the blue. There is nothing that makes me happier that talking to a friend. PS: call me if it’s been too long

Runners up: when my first patient of the day cancels their appointment, cracker barrel for breakfast, seeing a Purdue sports win in the morning paper.

How about you?

In 2003, a few of my Purdue buddies went to Madison to watch Purdue play the University of Wisconsin. Purdue, in an unbelievable game, ended up beating top 10 Wisconsin, 26-23. It was unreal. That night, we danced on the streets in Madison, singing the Purdue fight song, flirting with cute girls. My one friend Dustin, at one point in the night, turned to me and said “I feel so bad for my future wife…because I will never love her as much as I love Purdue football.” All I could muster was “I don’t think I’ll ever tell her either.”

That was close to six years ago.

Today, as I pulled out of a Dunkin’ Donuts in downtown Boston, with my large, hazelnut coffee [with milk and sugar, of course] and my old fashioned donut, I was in a great mood. I took a bite of the donut, I took a sip of the coffee. And the donut melted in my mouth. It was heaven. And that’s when I remembered Dustin, and his line, and my thought. And I realized, at that point, I would love a Dunkin’ Donuts old fashioned donut with the coffee more than I will love my future wife. If my wife ever made me choose between her and the number 1 from Dunkin’ Donuts, she’d better have her bags packed and ready to go.

And so I started thinking…what are some other things that I will love more than my wife?

I ended up with this list.

SPORTS RELATED
-Drew Brees’ right arm, along with Seth Morales’ hands. Any Purdue fan could tell you why, but in case you don’t know, here.
-Purdue basketball under Matt Painter. And the best is yet to come, folks.
-Curt Schilling’s bloody sock. Curt was bloody brilliant.

FOOD RELATED
-Dunkin Donuts number 1, with a hazelnut coffee and an old fashioned donut. [previously stated]
-Any type of food from Panda Express.
-A Reese’s Penut Butter Cup blizzard from Dairy Queen.

OTHER
-Anything related to LucasArt’s Monkey Island series. I feel kinda weird that I am going to love a cartoon male character that is a terrible pirate more than I will love my future wife. Alas, such is life.

-Anything Harry Potter related. Just incredible. Incredible. There aren’t words.
-uhhh…who didn’t see this one coming.

I’m sure there’s more. Maybe we can discuss this and figure out some new ones.

I just hope my future wife doesn’t see this.

I can’t personally think of a better way to spend my time.

“Wayne, Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?”

The irony of what I’m about to post boggles the mind.

I have spent hours today reading about the Kimmel occupation that took place at NYU earlier this week. I have immersed myself in it, completely baffled at the sheer stupidity of what I witnessed. At this time, please watch the youtube video provided.

There are numerous decent articles about the situation, but this one is the best. Why were they doing this? Well, you can see their demands here.

I refuse to believe that this is not some incredibly awesome viral marketing campaign for macbooks. I simply refuse to believe that this is real.

If this was a South Park episode, I would hail it as the funniest thing I had ever seen, boldly proclaiming it wittier and more intelligent that any humorous act ever. Honestly, Trey Parker and Matt Stone could not come up with anything funnier or more absurd than this. The person holding the camera, Alex Lotorto, could not be any more annoying or ill informed about what he’s trying to do. He boldly proclaims at the beginning of the video “You can not come in here! This is a student’s free space!” Try to wrap your head around that.

I’m just getting warmed up. Some of these are gems that you actually laugh out loud to. Did anyone get the idea that Alex wanted a consensus practice? Whatever that is?

-”Excuse me, brutality here.” Alex states, as an authority figure walks into the room. Um, brutality? To that poor desk? DON’T HURT THE DESK IT DOESN’T LIKE THAT.
-”We have the right to not cooperate with you.” Hahahahahahhahah.
-Alex mutters, at one point, that they “probably drink corporate water”. Hell yeah! Stick it to the man and their corporate water! As if this wasn’t stupid enough, they then start showing their macbooks and macbook chargers. Ohahahhahahahh. Don’t miss the one girl calling home on her cell phone, saying YOU HAVE TO CALL ME BACK! like this is the last thing she might ever get to say to her family.
-”We are trying to reach a consensus! We are trying to reach a consensus! We will do it without you.” hahahghaghahahhahahahha

I think the best part about all of this is that Alex, the cameraman, doesn’t even go to NYU. He goes to some stupid college that I’ve never heard of. Most of these kids have been expelled, per some news article I can’t find anymore, and I say THANK YOU NYU. I hope these kids spend years working at a 7-11 to pay off their student loans. Wait. This is NYU, these kid’s parents were putting them through school. The more you read about this story, the more hilarious and absurd it is. It’s eerily reminiscent of Alice falling into the rabbit hole, the characters and the twists and turns of events becoming even less believable than the one before it.

I’m running out of ways to express my disbelief. I’ll end saying that videos like this really make me lose hope in humanity. I pray to God these kids never enter the real world. It would break them in half without blinking an eye.

Wordle is neat project that takes a bunch of text or a link and finds common words and creates “word clouds” out of them.  Give it a go.  Here is mine.

That’s right.  You just got Rick Roll’d by a picture!

Batman has been in the news lately because of his tirade against a DP on the set of the upcoming ‘Termininator’ flick.  If you haven’t heard it, it is pretty amazing.  Someone has done a mashup of The Dark Knight’s rant and the infamous Bill O’Reilly outtake that I found way too funny not to post.  So, enjoy.  Warning, VERY NSFW for verbal content.

Pat Knight was a little upset that his player was thrown to the ground and even called for the foul to boot. He pleasantly suggested to the officials he did not agree with the call.

While news worthy, it also gives me an opportunity to post one of my favorite sound clips ever: